 |
|
Friday, Apr. 25, 2008 Dear Ms. Joan, I was cleaning house the other day and found a thank you note I had written for a Christmas gift I had received from a friend on the East Coast. I thought I had mailed it but there it was, big as life. Now what do I do with it? Isn't it kind of late to mail it now? �Louise Dear Louise, This is one of those "better late than never" situations. Do mail the thank you note to your friend. Put yourself in the gift-giver's place. We all like having our gifts acknowledged and appreciate getting thanked for our efforts, gifts and kindnesses. You would rather get a late thank you note yourself than not at all. �Not at all' should not be an option. Some readers may say that a phone call would be good enough, but when a gift is delivered, a written note should follow immediately. When you are given a gift directly from the hands of the gift-giver, or the gift is received at a party where the gift-givers are present, your saying thank you is enough. The thank you note is then optional. A thank you by e-mail or over the phone is too impersonal and lazy. When someone has spent their precious time and money selecting and mailing a gift, we should all make the effort to write and mail a thank you note, even if it's months later. If you don't send that thank you note, your friend is either going to think the gift was lost in the mail, you have bad manners or your friend may even call you and ask, "Did you get the Christmas gift I sent you?" That is an embarrassment that can be easily avoided. Dear Ms. Joan, I was recently invited to a wedding I have been really looking forward to attending. My husband will be out of town on a business trip the day of the wedding. Is it OK for me to invite a friend to go with me? I really don't want to attend the wedding alone. �L. C. Dear L. C. Weddings are very special occasions, especially to the bride. Most brides would not appreciate uninvited guests attending their wedding. By uninvited guest, I mean a person attending a wedding not specifically invited by the bride or groom's family. There are several good reasons for you not to invite a friend to such a private occasion. First, only the bride, groom and their parents invite guests to a wedding. Then, weddings are very expensive affairs and the bride's family will not appreciate paying for an expensive meal for your friend. Also, there is always that stranger in the wedding video or pictures. The latter happened to me personally, and it was very odd explaining that neither my husband nor I had any idea who that nicely dressed lady was helping herself to our buffet. There must be someone who was invited to the wedding with whom you could sit. My husband and I have been invited to two weddings on the same night on several occasions. We decided to each go separately to each wedding. Attending a wedding alone can be great fun, even for married people! Dear Ms. Joan, What is your opinion on proposing without a wedding ring? Everyone keeps telling me that the fianc�-to-be should have the ring when he gets down on one knee, but I know of others who asked first and picked out the ring later with their significant other. Does it really matter? �P.B. Dear P.B., In the past, the gentleman would have had to have the ring in hand when proposing. I'm reminded of a story I heard once about Jack and Jackie Kennedy. I was told that JFK presented a ring to Jackie upon proposing. Jackie turned him down. JFK went to his father and asked what he should do. His father gave JFK a fabulous diamond bracelet to present with the ring to Jackie. JFK did so, and Jackie accepted his proposal of marriage. (I certainly hope I related that story correctly. If not, please accept my apologies). I don't have a point to make regarding this story, but I thought my readers might enjoy this bit of trivia as much as I did. Today couples tend to talk about the possibility of marriage before the actual proposal takes place. The lady may hint at or drag the gentleman into a jewelry store and make known the type of ring she would like as her wedding ring. This gives the gentleman the opportunity to select a ring the lady will definitely like. Then he can come up with a romantic plan of presentation. This is always a good idea because this affords the lady a wonderful, romantic story to tell her girlfriends and grandchildren. This is very important. My husband and I have a wonderful memory of choosing our wedding rings together. I had input on what I wanted and he was able to choose what he wanted. If this is done, the lady needs to keep in mind the budget of the gentleman. This may sound more like advice from Dear Abby than etiquette advice, but respecting each other's likes, dislikes and wishes is certainly a part of good etiquette. My personal opinion on this issue is it doesn't matter whether the ring is presented at the time of the proposal or purchased later as long as everyone involved is very happy in the end. Dear Ms. Joan, When is it appropriate to write a thank you note for a gift that is committed long before the actual gift will be received? My sister has agreed to pay for a week of vacation at a high-end resort for our family, and I'm not certain whether I should write the thank you note now when the promise was made or wait until the vacation has been enjoyed and write my thank you note at that time. Or perhaps this deserves two notes � one now and another one later? �Anne Dear Anne , Since you say the promise has been made a long time before the gift of a prepaid vacation is to be taken, a thank you note thanking your sister for her thoughtfulness and generosity is in order. Tell her how much all of you are looking forward to the vacation. This is the perfect opportunity to get the children involved in writing thank you notes. They can also tell their aunt how excited they are about the vacation. While on the vacation be sure to send your sister some postcards telling her about all the fun you and the children are having. Again the children can participate in this activity. After the trip has been enjoyed, another thank you note should be sent. This thank you note should attest to the fun everyone had and be specific. Do not mention anything that may have gone awry while you were gone, ever! Thursday, Mar. 27, 2008 Dear Ms. Joan, What is the proper etiquette on the usage of toothpicks in restaurants or in public generally? Now it might just be me, but I find it rather disgusting sitting around a lovely table out in public, and the men pull out the toothpick after the meal. I tell my husband I am going to bring dental floss and do the same. He doesn't think that is funny. -- Julie Dear Julie, I also find usage of toothpicks and dental floss anywhere in public disgusting and bad manners. Everyone has gotten that irksome seed or piece of food caught between teeth, but removal of these little bits of troublesome food should be taken care of in private. The proper place for using toothpicks and dental floss is in a restroom, never at the dining table. Oh my, I have even witnessed the use of business cards, matchbooks, finger nails and other imaginative items for this removal project. If we all dined in front of a mirror and were forced to view ourselves while dining, I think we would all agree there are things we would no longer do. Dear Ms. Joan, What is the correct way to introduce my 27-year-old daughter to a 70-year-old person. "Daughter, I would like you to meet my friend," or, "Friend, I would like you to meet my daughter." I want to show the utmost respect to my older friend. -- Karen Dear Karen, With today's modern etiquette, introductions have been made very easy. The only thing you must remember is that you introduce the new person entering the group first. If you are with your friend and your daughter would walk up to you, you would say "Bob, this is Alice, my daughter." "Alice, this is Bob." Then, "How do you do, Alice," would be said by Bob. (Of course, this is a rhetorical question that does not require an answer.) It's a good idea to say both Bob's name and Alice's name as many times as you can during the introduction so Bob and Alice have at least two chances to hear the other's name said so they are sure of what each other's name is. The reinforcement of hearing it twice may help them remember the other's name. If you and your daughter were together and Bob were to join you, you would introduce Bob to your daughter, Alice. When making introductions, everyone is equal unless one of the parties were the President of the United States or a king or queen. Dear Ms. Joan, I am at a sporting event with my 2-year-old child and a fan is yelling obscenities at the players. What do I tell the fan? -- Steve Dear Steve, First of all, a 2-year-old has no business at any sporting event. A child of this age does not have the attention span needed to enjoy an event of any kind that lasts longer than 10 minutes. Your little child is going to become tired and cranky and want to go home. The other fans are not going to care that you have a 2-year-old with you and will not be sympathetic in the least when your child is crying or hungry or needs attention to other needs associated with small children. Many fans take their sports and favorite teams very seriously. They are there solely to yell a lot, eat a lot and drink a lot. Many fans think yelling obscenities is part of the entertainment right along with hot dogs, peanuts and beer. Saying anything to another fan about their language would be a waste of your time. The other fans are going to ignore you or become angry. Leave your little one at home. Your little one will like it better, you'll enjoy the game more and so will the other fans. Ask Ms. Joan is advertised with sample questions, that I'll answer now. Q. I'm expecting an important call. Do I have to turn off my cell phone in a meeting? A. By all means, turn off the ringer, if not the phone entirely. Unless you use your cell phone only for all your business calls, chances are that ringing phone would be a personal call. You should not be receiving personal calls during a business meeting. In either case, let your cell phone take a voice message and return your calls later. If you MUST answer that important call, put your phone on vibrate and very quietly leave the room to answer it, being careful not to disturb the meeting. Be sure the person in charge of the meeting knows you'll be receiving that important call and you'll be leaving the room for the purpose of taking that specific call. Q. I told my friend her haircut looked good when it didn't. Should I have told her the truth? A. Yes, you should always tell the truth to your friends; but none of us want to hurt the feelings of our friends. Unless she had her hair cut into a checkerboard pattern and had it dyed green and red, keep your opinion to yourself. "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all" became an old saying for a good reason. Remember, it's her hair not yours and hair grows out. A new haircut will be an old one very soon. Find something good about her new haircut and comment on that. Perhaps the hairdresser did a good job layering her hair, or she cut her hair nicely over her ears. You could tell your friend how brave it was of her to try a new cut and maybe you should try a new hairstyle too. Thursday, Mar. 27, 2008 Dear Ms. Joan, I am constantly having my peace and quiet disturbed by cell phones ringing and phone conversations so loud I hear every word of other people's conversations whether I want to or not. This even happens in fine restaurants when I'm trying to have a romantic dinner with my wife. HELP! --D.P., Clovis Dear D.P., Etiquette is still playing catch up to this part of our technical world. This particular problem has been addressed. When entering an area where cell phones ringing and conversation on cell phones would disturb the peace and enjoyment of others, turn off the ringer. If your cell phone vibrates, you will know you have a call. Let the phone take a message. Call them back later. It is disrespectful to the friends you are with when you answer a cell phone call. They will feel that the person on the other end of the phone line is more important to you than they are. You should do all you can to make your friends or host feel they are the most important people in the world at that moment. The only reason to answer a cell phone would be if you're waiting for an organ transplant and the hospital is calling. Dear Ms. Joan, I frequently luncheon with the same friends most Saturdays. It bothers me that one of our group monopolizes the conversation every time we get together. What can I do? How do I tell her? --F.R., Clovis Dear F.R., Hopefully she will read this answer to your question. Pointing out bad etiquette to an etiquette violator is also bad etiquette. When this is done it embarrasses your friend, and you don't want to do that. The respectful way for a group of friends to have a conversation is to take turns talking. This is easily accomplished by not speaking again till everyone else has spoken once. Keep up this pattern and everyone will have their chance to speak and make this an enjoyable conversation for everyone at the table. Dear Ms. Joan, My boyfriend doesn't open the car door for me or hold the door open for me or let me walk in front of him to a table at a restaurant. Isn't this rude of him? What is the proper etiquette in this situation? --M.N., Clovis Dear M.N., Women have been demanding equality with men for a long time. Unfortunately we have had to give up some things along the way. Most women are capable of opening their own doors. It is not required any longer that men open the door for a lady, but it is one of those older rules of etiquette that make life a bit more beautiful. Tell your boyfriend how much it would mean to you if he would open your door and how jealous your girlfriends will be when he does. (They will be green with envy.) When he does a courteous act for you, be sure to thank him. That is always required. Etiquette dictates that it's ladies before gentlemen. The only exception to this rule is when passing through a crowded room. In this case the gentleman walks in front, clearing a safe path for the lady. Dear Ms. Joan, When introducing my boss to a friend do I introduce him as my boss? --R.G., Clovis Dear R.G., You do not use work titles in introductions. You would say, "This is John Smith. We work together." Then you would say, "This is Paul Jones, my best friend." There are other examples I could use, but this is the easiest to remember and works in most situations. Insert your own names, of course. Your friend will learn Mr. Smith is your boss in conversation. If you tell everything you know in an introduction, it leaves nothing to lead into a conversation. After being introduced it is still proper to say, "How do you do."
|