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Click Here for the Clovis Independent Articles Copyright © 2007-2010 Ms. Joan Wynn, Essential Etiquette All Rights Reserved
ASK MS. JOAN – MAY 2008 Dear Ms. Joan, Last weekend my husband and I hosted to very special family events at our home. The first was an extended family birthday party for our grandson on my husbands side of the family. No one else in the family had the time to plan and host our grandson’s first birthday party. Since I no longer work outside the home, I volunteered to do the honors and have the party in our home. The second special event was a visit from my brother, his wife and teenage son. They live out of state and this was their first visit to see us in 8 years at our home. We had been to visit them several times at their home. My brother asked if he could ship us several bottles of expensive wine from a small winery he liked to have as a special treat with dinner during their visit. I said yes, and the wine arrived by delivery service the following week. The day before my brother’s arrival I put the white wines in the refrigerator but left the reds in the wine crate. The birthday party was on the Friday night before my brother and his family arrival on Saturday morning. I served a fruit punch (no alcohol) at the birthday party for our one year old grandsons’ birthday party with cake and ice cream. While I was in the living room I notice that our guests were walking around with wine glasses filled with wine. I went to my husband and asked where the wine came from because I hadn’t seen anyone bring any with them when they arrive. He said when he wasn’t looking someone had opened the wine my brother had shipped to me to be enjoyed during his visit. I’m afraid I lost it! I told them where the wine had come from and I was very upset that they had dug around in my refrigerator and opened unopened bottles of wine without asking if it was ok to do so. My husband and his family said it was no big deal and they’d replace it the next day before my family arrived. I explained to them that the wine was from a very small winery that only sells wine to the public by mail by the case and they would not be able to replace it and I wasn’t pleased that they had rummaged through my refrigerator without permission and this was a one year olds birthday party and I was serving punch not wine. Need I say they were unhappy with me and I with them. I did not enjoy having to explain what happened to the expensive wine to my brother either. Was I out of line being upset? Thank you, Barbara
Dear Barbara, No, you were not the least bit out of line being upset. I would have been upset too! Guests, even family, should not rummage though the refrigerator to find foods that were not being served at any kind of party. What happened to you is the perfect example why guests should not do this. Guests at another’s home doesn’t know why that food or beverage is in your refrigerator. Unless the host or hostess has said something like, “Make yourself at home; help yourself to whatever is in the refrigerator”, whether the guest is family or not, the guest eats what’s served. When a party guest goes looking for food not on the party menu they are saying through their actions that they don’t like what the hostess prepared or it’s not good enough for them. This is a slap in the face to your host and will hurt his/her feelings. The host has expended a lot of time, not to mention expense, to please the guest and put on the best party they can and the guest should be appreciative by not complaining about anything in any way. Even if the party is a bomb, the guest should always say thank you to the host and comment in a positive way about the party as they leave, even if just to say how thoughtful the host was or what a lovely home they have. The guest should never raid the hosts refrigerator unless invited to do so by the host.
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Dear Ms. Joan,
I am a server (waitress) in a very nice restaurant. I am always amazed how people come into the restaurant in a bad mood and think it’s perfectly okay to take it out on the server by being grouchy or demanding. Then at the end of the meal they do not leave a tip or a very tiny tip, like less than 10%. Waitresses and waiters work very hard, make minimum wage and count on tips to increase their pay checks. Some customers may not know that the tips are split with the kitchen staff who also count on those tips. Would you please make our plight known to our patrons? Gloria
Dear Gloria,
I do not have a solution to getting people to be generous or even polite. People choose how they are going to behave. They can choose to be happy in a world full of problems (and we all have problems and disappointments) or choose to be unhappy, spiteful and take it out on the rest of us, as if their unhappiness is our fault and they are going to punished us. But, hopefully your pointing out this very public and prevalent behavior will help to make us aware of how our public attitudes and behavior affect the people around us. As for how we should tip restaurant personnel we do need to remember that we are not tipping only the server or bus person. The tip we leave is divided amongst many restaurant employees. Just because we did not think the server did a good job doesn’t mean we should punish everyone else who took part in providing the meal we enjoyed. It would be better for us to contact the owner or manager of the establishment later with our complaint or write your comments on the back of the bill. Complaints should be done discreetly and not in front of other customers. It is customary to tip restaurant employees 18 – 20% of the bill before taxes and discounts. You may of course tip more if you feel you have gotten extra attention and exceptional service. Tipping less is unacceptable. When we eat out we are all aware that tipping is part of the restaurant experience and should act accordingly.
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Dear Ms. Joan,
What would be the right hours to be making phone calls to a list of people you don’t know very well? I’m thinking of PTA calls, club meeting calls, business calls and such.
Betty
Dear Betty,
When
we know the usual schedule of the person we wish to call on the telephone it is
much
easier to determine the best time to place a call. But when it is a stranger or just an acquaintance it becomes more complicated. We need to consider such things as do they work at home, do they
have children, the ages of the children, meal times and general sleep schedules.
Good manners dictate that telephone calls to individuals be made after
Dear Ms. Joan,
My son is getting married in Aug. They (son & fiancé) have a home and do not need anything for their home. I am embarrassed because on the invitation he wants to state “No Gifts, Money Only” to help defray the cost of the wedding. They plan to spend $50,000 on their wedding, well beyond their means. I told them they may as well charge admission. How can they request cash without sounding tacky?
Please help, Cindy L.
Dear Cindy,
There is no way of requesting cash only wedding gifts
without being tacky. The wedding guests do
not have an obligation to buy a gift at all.
The guests are invited to a wedding; guests do
not request to be invited, thus do not have to provide a gifts unless they
choose to do
so. Wedding gifts are a voluntary
purchase. The wedding guests are just that, guests. Guests do not pay for dinner, the host
does. Since your son has chosen to pay
for his wedding, he is the host and therefore pays for every ones food
and entertainment. I sincerely believe that if your son were to request cash only gifts his
wedding guests would be
very offended. I think this idea would
backfire on him and many of the friends he wants to
witness his marriage may not show up for the wedding. Your son and fiancé should plan a wedding within their financial
means. Just because a
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Dear Ms. Joan, I am going to a Thank you, Sandra
Dear Sandra,
I am unaware of a “no hats after
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Dear Ms. Joan,
I know that Miss designates in a salutation an unmarried woman and Mrs. a married woman , but what does Ms. designate?
Donna
Dear Donna,
Ms. can be either an unmarried woman or a married woman. There are many reasons a woman may choose to use Ms. rather than Miss or Mrs. In some cases a woman may not want to advertise her marriage status. Some women use it because it is more business like or perhaps she uses Ms. to announce her individualism. What ever the woman’s reason is for using Ms. in front of her name, try not to read too much into it.
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Dear Ms. Joan, I know there is a proper way to eat soup. What is it? I need help! Kathy
Dear Kathy,
Eating soup is an art. It’s probably the trickiest of foods to eat. Having a good soup spoon helps. There are two kinds of soup spoons, one for broth based soups and another for cream soups. Most of us have only one kind of soup spoon in our home and most restaurants we encounter nowadays have only one kind of soup spoon. It resembles an ordinary teaspoon only it is much larger. I have heard them often referred to as tablespoons or cereal spoons. Explaining how to eat soup is just as tricky as doing it. I’ll do my best! With soup spoon in hand dip the back edge of the bowl of the spoon into the soup next to the rear edge of the soup bowl. Be careful not to fill your spoon too full of soup. Holding the spoon level gently slide the rear edge of the spoon up the back of the soup bowl. Use the back edge of the soupbowl to remove any soup from the bottom of the spoon so soup will not drip from the bottom of the spoon. Lift the spoon up to your mouth and hold the side edge of the spoon to your lips. Breathe in gently and quietly as you tip the spoon of soup toward your slightly open mouth. You do NOT put the soup spoon into your mouth. You drink in the soup from the side of the spoon, NOT the pointed tip of the spoon. Do this as quietly as possible. Remember to always bring your food to your mouth, NOT your mouth to your food.
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